Be Careful What You Wish For

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on.

He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive. "What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

I Nearly Pissed Myself

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. "Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?'' "Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.'' "Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop." Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron.There is no way he is gonna make that.This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." ''Okay Bob. you're on.'Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got."

Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.'' "Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?" ''Yeah, what about him?'' "Well, I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it."

Hide the Duke

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"

The Sexy Negligee

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.  He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before.

She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.  She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"

Ladies' Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

The Hit Job

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's ! naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.. 

 

 

Be Sure of the Full Story!

Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.

Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

One Day In Faluijiah

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"

 

Language Incompatibility

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Lost in Translation

A virile, young Italian stud was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, So...you finish?

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, No...

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks... So, you finish?

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, No...

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... So, you finish?

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, No... I Norwegian!!

Sleeping With the Patient

Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Darren, you're a vet...."

5-Year Old Construction Worker

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.

One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her pay home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f*cking bricks!"

The Riddle

George Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."

"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Two Jewish sisters-in-law.....

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street.

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this vonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea vat is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how ve've all vorried about him. It's past time he's settled vith a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Vell...," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to vorry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."

Morris and Esther

Morris and his wife, Esther went to the state fair every year.

Every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars. And 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair.

Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars. And 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed --- and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres. But not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris. He said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I almost said something when Esther fell out. But 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

 

Prescription for Sleeping

A doctor who had been administering to an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.

At her next check-up, her new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!" 

English Scottish Supporter

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to our mother."

So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English B*****ds."

Options for the Seriously Sick

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die”.

The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip home to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning, The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, “You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.

The Fire Engine

A Fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl from next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a Dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely Fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says ..."You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?"

 

 

Sara Pipalini

Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the Gate, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, I want to be Sara Pipalini.

St. Peter looks perplexed. Who?

Sara Pipalini,replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.

The nun then shows him a newspaper cutting.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. No sister. This is the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.

That's Life...

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back...

Knowing the Difference...

An older married couple was sitting on their porch swing one afternoon. Suddenly, the old woman hauls off and slaps the old man's face nearly knocking him out of the swing.

He said, "What was that for???"

She replied, "For being a lousy lover for 45 years!!"

He sat quietly for a moment and then suddenly slapped the old woman nearly knocking her out of the porch swing.

The old woman said, "What was THAT for?"

The old man replied, "That is for knowing the DIFFERENCE!!"

St Peter's Question

Three girls, a blonde, redhead and brunette, died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl, a brunette.

"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl, a redhead.

"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl, a blonde.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

Three Old Ladies

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude, also, had a stroke.

Tilly, being the oldest, and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Advice!

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out and visited his Rabbi for guidance.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah and spent a fortune on his education. Then he tells me last week he is becoming a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Obviously I brought up my boy in the faith, and like you gave him a very expensive barmitzvah and spent a fortune on his education. Then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Australian Sensitivity

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to

her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'