A Canadian Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and 
orders a white wine......

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar 
look up, expecting to see some pitiful 
Yankee from the north.


The bartender says, "You ain't from around 
here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in 
 Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist....."


The bartender says, "A what? A taxidermist? 
What in tarnation is a taxidermist? 

Do you drive a taxi?"  
        

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. 

I mount animals...."

The bartender grins and hollers, 
"It's okay boys. He's one of us....."

Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic 
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, 
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh 
rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, 

and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs 
frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more. 

 

Bill and Hillary Clinton

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I 
am putting a box under our bed. You must promise 
never to look in it."

 In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never 
looked. 

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, 
curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid 
and peeked inside.

 In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and 
$1,874.25 in cash. 

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt 
and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all 
these years I kept my promise and never looked in 
the box under our bed. However, today the 
temptation was too much and I gave in. 
But now I need to know why do you keep the

empty cans in the box?"

 Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after 
all these years you deserve to know the truth. 
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty 
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself 
not to do it again."

 Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very 
disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all 
those years away from home on the road,

temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times 
is not that bad considering the number of years 
we've been together."

 They hugged and made their peace.

 A little while later, Hillary asked Bill - 
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"

 Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled 
up with empty cans....

I took them to the recycling center and redeemed 
them for cash!"

Sick Sunday

 

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill. 

"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl. 

"No." replied Mom. 

"I think I'm gonna throw up." 

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." 

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat. 

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom. 

"Yes." 

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?" 

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'For the Sick'."

Married Life

Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? 

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. 

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. 

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

It Will Never Fit

 

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. 

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" 

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............ 

DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?