The Power of Prayer

A preacher in Australia said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." 

 

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

 

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." 

 

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.

 

He prayed to the Almighty for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

 

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week at Dubbo court."

 

 

Psychologist vs Lawyer

 

 

A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice:
“I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice:
"$500 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty."

 

 

The Knothole

 

 

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'  So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

 

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Not everybody pays."

British Wit

Those who know of Sir Thomas Beecham, the legendary conductor who founded the famous symphonic orchestras the London Philharmonic and the Royal Philharmonic will know of his, often acerbic, wit.

Once during an orchestral rehearsal he admonished the young cellist:

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it!"

Now that is British wit, wot!?

Lost of Interest in Sex

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex with her.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight...”

 

 

 

Liquor Licence 

  

 

A blonde orders a beer. 

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...

 

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. 

 

 

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

 

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts

to lick her breasts and she decks him! 

 

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...

Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

The 7 Habits of Men and Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy. 

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women. 

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them. 

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around. 

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women were to leave them. 

7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.


Women: 

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security. 

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes. 

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear. 

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully. 

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag". 

6.Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them. 

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you. 

Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem The author of this memo was quite genuine.

The engineers rolled on the floor!

Especially note the last couple of sentences.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

-Author Unknown-

Can and Cannot


 An elderly man was walking past a brothel when one of the prostitutes calls out: "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try it?"

 The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!"

The prostitute insists: "Cheer up and let us try!!"

The elderly man enters the brothel, goes up to one of the rooms with her & performs like a 25-year old.

The prostitute says breathlessly: "Oh Gosh! And you said you cannot!!"

The old man replies: "Aaah, I can always have sex.....but I CANNOT pay!!"

My Wife Won't Like It!

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a beautiful golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa,

rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,

"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,

And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!??? Elizabeth said with a smile ,

she won't know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

The Rat

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The male rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then the professor kept a piece of cake on the side,

and kept a female rat on the other side.

 

The male rat went towards the cake and ate it.

Then the professor changed the cake,
and kept some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

 

This experience went on with the professor

changing the food every time..

 

And each time,

the male rat ran towards the food item

and never towards the female rat.

 

The professor said:

"This experiment shows that food is the

greatest strength and attraction."

 

Then one student from the back rows said:

"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?

She may be his wife!"

 

 

A Pakistani with Aids

A Pakistani resident in the US phoned his burqa-clad Mom in Pakistan.

Khan: "Ammi, I have a big problem; I got AIDS. What shall I do? Will I
come back home, to our native village?

Mom: Son, don't do that; don't come here!

Khan: Why Ammi?

Mom: If you come here, your darling wife will catch AIDS. And from
your wife, it'll spread to your brother,
And from your brother to the maid,
And from the maid to your Dad,
From Dad to my sister (your aunt),
And from your aunt to her hubby,
And from her hubby to ME,
And from me to our chauffeur,
And from the chauffeur to your sis,
And if your sis catches AIDS, the whole damn village will catch AIDS!
It won't be very long before village after village, and then whole
country goes down with aids!

For the sake of the Kaid-e-Azam, you HAVE GOT to save Pakistan!

Do not come back, my beloved son!!!

Cleaning the Chimney

A father went to the hospital
as his wife was having a baby.

 

Upon arriving he sits down, and the
nurse says, "Congratulations, your
wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys." 

The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm
not surprised, I have a penis the size of
a chimney." 

The nurse replies, "You might want
to consider getting it cleaned, the
babies are black."

 

 

 Singapore Airlines,............ Ooh Dear,.... dear me!

An intelligent response.......  A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.  The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'   The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.  So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, ' If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes ?'  The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that ?'  The little boy admitted that she did.  'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you !'

In the Wind...

A crusty old bikie was out on a long ride through the outback. 

He pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. 
As he passes through the doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00 
MEAT PIE: $2.10 
SNAG ROLL: $2.00 
HAMBURGER: $2.25 
STEAK SANGA $2.50
CHEESEBURGER: $2.75 
CHICKEN SANGA : $3.50 

HAND JOB: $50.00

The old bikie walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive sheila who is serving beers to a couple of sun-wrinkled old farmers. 

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 

"May I help you?" 

The old bikie leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, 

"are you the only one around here who gives the hand jobs?" 
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs,

"Why yes, sure I am, I do everything around here."

The old bikie leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, 

"Well, go and wash your hands real bloody good then, cause I want a cheeseburger."

Rye Bread

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

John the Baptist

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"

The Dog and its Master

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid b***h was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not s**t in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

An uplifting Story


   
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

  He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

  One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

  He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

  He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

  He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

  He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.

  There goes a man with no arms skipping down the side walk so happy, and going on with his life.

  He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.

  He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

  He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

  The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

  He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

  Heart warming stories like this just makes my day.

Lion Tamer

Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that." 

I no come work today!!!

I no come work today!!!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........by the way,you got really a nice house!!!'

Chinese quality

Chinese quality 

 

A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the 
child passed away.

At the funeral house a family member of the African woman kept sobbing and 
crying and kept saying, "I JUST KNEW IT!!"

So a family elder pulled her aside and discreetly asked her, 'What is it that you 
know?'

She replied, 'Chinese products don't last long!!!! 

A Canadian Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and 
orders a white wine......

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar 
look up, expecting to see some pitiful 
Yankee from the north.


The bartender says, "You ain't from around 
here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in 
 Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist....."


The bartender says, "A what? A taxidermist? 
What in tarnation is a taxidermist? 

Do you drive a taxi?"  
        

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. 

I mount animals...."

The bartender grins and hollers, 
"It's okay boys. He's one of us....."

Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic 
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, 
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh 
rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, 

and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs 
frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more. 

 

Bill and Hillary Clinton

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I 
am putting a box under our bed. You must promise 
never to look in it."

 In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never 
looked. 

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, 
curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid 
and peeked inside.

 In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and 
$1,874.25 in cash. 

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt 
and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all 
these years I kept my promise and never looked in 
the box under our bed. However, today the 
temptation was too much and I gave in. 
But now I need to know why do you keep the

empty cans in the box?"

 Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after 
all these years you deserve to know the truth. 
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty 
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself 
not to do it again."

 Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very 
disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all 
those years away from home on the road,

temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times 
is not that bad considering the number of years 
we've been together."

 They hugged and made their peace.

 A little while later, Hillary asked Bill - 
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"

 Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled 
up with empty cans....

I took them to the recycling center and redeemed 
them for cash!"

Sick Sunday

 

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill. 

"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl. 

"No." replied Mom. 

"I think I'm gonna throw up." 

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." 

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat. 

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom. 

"Yes." 

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?" 

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'For the Sick'."