Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and then asking her: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

The Elevated Train

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

The Last Laugh

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was a hard driver, who was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

One day, while on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to do something, to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO stormed up to the guy, leaning against the wall, and asked,"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF HERE, and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"

From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

"I'm fine, I'm fine..."

Farmer Jed decided his injuries from his recent accident, were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible, to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Jed.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jed's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" 

There was a man who owned a small ranch in Texas.

One day, The Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and dispatched an agent out to investigate him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to! The half-wit," says the agent. "Is he here?"

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

Norman's Wife

One morning, while Norman and his wife were having breakfast,
the radio announcer said, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches 
of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered 
side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

So, Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast , the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You 
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so 
the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife again went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio 
announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow 
today. You must park..."

Then the power went out.

Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face 
she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street 
do I need to park on, so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman said

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" 

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the

first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged

into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and

poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet. 

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new 

powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" 

exclaimed the eager salesman. 

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady. 

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?" 

"There's no electricity in the house..." said

the lady

MORAL: Gather all resources before working on any project

and committing to the client...!!!

The Accident

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident one snowy, cold Monday morning. It was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. 

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So!.... You're a man. That's interesting! Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're both ok. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

The Beer Prayer

Denial of the power of prayer?

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased- until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them.

He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked:

"At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don't." 

Binary Logic

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.

She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH! 

Insured by MAFIA

How I wish I have a licence plate like this:

Apartment To Let

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT"

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed please find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady. 

Cohones de Toro... sometimes the bull wins...

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins." 

Dress Code

A fleeing Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Old Lady Driver

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk
of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A Son's Ingenuity

Publish Post

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. 

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the MONEY!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

Explanation on Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker; a beautiful young girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.

So then... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids...

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

Finance 101 for Monkeys

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help:

Once upon a time in a village in not so far away, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply dimisished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch one.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.”

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to the MONEY GAME!

The Pope

 

On a tour of Normandy, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip.His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. 

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a French soccer jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English soccer tops roared into view from around the point. 

Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Frenchman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some separatist people trying to divide France and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who the hell was that guy???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope.

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he doesn't know shit about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up anyway? Shall we hunt for another shark?"

The Blind Passenger

This is said to be a true story and I found it quite humorous...

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.

The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tacklebox........."

The Rich Man's Will

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rosemarie, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Connie, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Hector, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Hector!"

Four Expecting Fathers

 

Four fathers were waiting is a state of excitement in a Minneapolis 

hospital  waiting room, while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of 
twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of 
triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to 
quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others 
ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"

Boisterous Butler

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why? The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, " Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!"

The Juggler

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly and then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door, and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test!"

Stopped for Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Sexy Lady in the Bar

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet tavern. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no." the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," She whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

Strangers on a Train

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

She says, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The Salesman

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing 
he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he 
called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a 
barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk 
told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your 
room is a vending machine that cuts your hair like a 
barber does."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the
machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the 
opening, at which time the machine started to buzz 
and spin.

Fifteen seconds he pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best 
haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign 
that read, "Manicures $20." "Why not?" he 
thought. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and the machine started
to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he
pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
"Machine provides a service men need when
away from Their Wives, 50 Cents."

He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the
machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out
a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw
his member... which now had a button
neatly sewn on the end.

My Living Will

Why She Changed Hotels..

Last week, a woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach
and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling himself Darren - a very handsome man with assorted physical
skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right
places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack
abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well
oiled butt.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, she felt he sounded
sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear
you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is s @ x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want
it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie
me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9
for an outside line." 

Wine Taster

In a wine factory as the regular taster died, the director started
looking for a new one to hire. One day a drunkard with ragged and
dirty look came to apply for the position. The General Manager of 

the factory wondered how to send the fellow away... They decided 

to test him. They gave him a glass with a drink and asked him to 

identify the drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three 

years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"Well that's correct", said the boss, "bring him another glass..." He
tasted the second one and said, "It's red wine again, cabernet, eight
years old, a South western slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The
General Manager was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something on the sly. She
brought in a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the
second month..... and if you don't give me the job I'll tell who the
father is."

Cancel Credit Cards Prior to Death

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless .

A lady died this past January, and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. 

The balance had been RM0.00 and now it's RM60.00.

A family member placed a call to the the Bank's call centre:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Bank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Bank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Bank:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Bank:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

Bank:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Bank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Bank:
*Stammers* 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer information given)

Bank:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Bank:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Bank:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

Bank:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Nilai Park Cemetry, 12 West Park Road, Nilai, Plot Number 1049.'

Bank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Flight Fright

I don't think you would want to register here to learn how to fly...

Love Letters

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. 

Signed 

Your Ex-Wife 

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. 

Signed 

Rich as Hell and Free 

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. 

Arthritis

 

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Minnesota Truck Driver

As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Jerry, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

God is Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun had made a note, "Take only one, God is watching!"

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One of the boys had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Playing Golf on Sunday

 

 

 

 

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say mass for him that day.

As soon as the associate pastor left the room, father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.

After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished.

He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

 

You gotta keep the old motor running

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running.."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?" The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few 

years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that 

she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a 

large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she 

stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child 

turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby 

was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, 

and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for 

child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned 

white, and fainted.
 

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with 

meatballs, one without."