Hi-Tech Restroom

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. 

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. 

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. 

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. 

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" 

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. 

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. 

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. 

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

The Promised Land

 

 

Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about the increase in the cost of Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything...

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center...in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom
was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the
feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a
healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The
clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like
you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He
told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

Replacing Window Panes

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who had installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, "that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!", I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. 

Latex Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. 
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle 
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the 
rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping 
sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are 
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. But every 
so often there is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the 
guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

I Must Call My Mum!

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" 

With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." 

She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" 

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?" 

Blind Man

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."