The Husband

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".

A Scary Ride

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!" 

The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news. 

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

The Truckie

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Smart Guy

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Nuns Redecorating

The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. "And don't get a drop of paint on your habits," she sternly admonishes. 

The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting. 

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. 

"Who is it?" asks one of the nuns. 

"Blind man," comes the reply. 

The nuns look at each other and shrug. "No harm letting him in," one says, and opens the door. 

"Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?"

Lateral Thinking

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. 

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between them. 

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn," answers one of the New Zealanders. 

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. 

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." 

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. 

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New Zealanders on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). 

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at all!! 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. 

"Watch and learn," answers a New Zealander. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs. 

Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

The Murder Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" 

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. 

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." 

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. 

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." 

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"