Psychologist vs Lawyer

 

 

A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice:
“I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice:
"$500 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty."

 

 

The Knothole

 

 

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'  So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

 

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Not everybody pays."

British Wit

Those who know of Sir Thomas Beecham, the legendary conductor who founded the famous symphonic orchestras the London Philharmonic and the Royal Philharmonic will know of his, often acerbic, wit.

Once during an orchestral rehearsal he admonished the young cellist:

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it!"

Now that is British wit, wot!?

Lost of Interest in Sex

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex with her.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight...”

 

 

 

Liquor Licence 

  

 

A blonde orders a beer. 

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...

 

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. 

 

 

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

 

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts

to lick her breasts and she decks him! 

 

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...

Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

The 7 Habits of Men and Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy. 

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women. 

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them. 

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around. 

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women were to leave them. 

7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.


Women: 

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security. 

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes. 

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear. 

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully. 

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag". 

6.Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them. 

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you. 

Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem The author of this memo was quite genuine.

The engineers rolled on the floor!

Especially note the last couple of sentences.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

-Author Unknown-