Can and Cannot


 An elderly man was walking past a brothel when one of the prostitutes calls out: "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try it?"

 The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!"

The prostitute insists: "Cheer up and let us try!!"

The elderly man enters the brothel, goes up to one of the rooms with her & performs like a 25-year old.

The prostitute says breathlessly: "Oh Gosh! And you said you cannot!!"

The old man replies: "Aaah, I can always have sex.....but I CANNOT pay!!"

My Wife Won't Like It!

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a beautiful golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa,

rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,

"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,

And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!??? Elizabeth said with a smile ,

she won't know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

The Rat

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The male rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then the professor kept a piece of cake on the side,

and kept a female rat on the other side.

 

The male rat went towards the cake and ate it.

Then the professor changed the cake,
and kept some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

 

This experience went on with the professor

changing the food every time..

 

And each time,

the male rat ran towards the food item

and never towards the female rat.

 

The professor said:

"This experiment shows that food is the

greatest strength and attraction."

 

Then one student from the back rows said:

"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?

She may be his wife!"

 

 

A Pakistani with Aids

A Pakistani resident in the US phoned his burqa-clad Mom in Pakistan.

Khan: "Ammi, I have a big problem; I got AIDS. What shall I do? Will I
come back home, to our native village?

Mom: Son, don't do that; don't come here!

Khan: Why Ammi?

Mom: If you come here, your darling wife will catch AIDS. And from
your wife, it'll spread to your brother,
And from your brother to the maid,
And from the maid to your Dad,
From Dad to my sister (your aunt),
And from your aunt to her hubby,
And from her hubby to ME,
And from me to our chauffeur,
And from the chauffeur to your sis,
And if your sis catches AIDS, the whole damn village will catch AIDS!
It won't be very long before village after village, and then whole
country goes down with aids!

For the sake of the Kaid-e-Azam, you HAVE GOT to save Pakistan!

Do not come back, my beloved son!!!

Cleaning the Chimney

A father went to the hospital
as his wife was having a baby.

 

Upon arriving he sits down, and the
nurse says, "Congratulations, your
wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys." 

The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm
not surprised, I have a penis the size of
a chimney." 

The nurse replies, "You might want
to consider getting it cleaned, the
babies are black."

 

 

 Singapore Airlines,............ Ooh Dear,.... dear me!

An intelligent response.......  A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.  The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'   The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.  So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, ' If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes ?'  The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that ?'  The little boy admitted that she did.  'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you !'

In the Wind...

A crusty old bikie was out on a long ride through the outback. 

He pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. 
As he passes through the doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00 
MEAT PIE: $2.10 
SNAG ROLL: $2.00 
HAMBURGER: $2.25 
STEAK SANGA $2.50
CHEESEBURGER: $2.75 
CHICKEN SANGA : $3.50 

HAND JOB: $50.00

The old bikie walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive sheila who is serving beers to a couple of sun-wrinkled old farmers. 

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 

"May I help you?" 

The old bikie leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, 

"are you the only one around here who gives the hand jobs?" 
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs,

"Why yes, sure I am, I do everything around here."

The old bikie leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, 

"Well, go and wash your hands real bloody good then, cause I want a cheeseburger."