Word Association

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passengers that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW! Great!" he thinks. "What a great place to be today."

He is boarding, but he doesn't see the Pope, so he figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat, and is thankful that there is an empty seat next to him. Just before the flight closes, the Pope enters the plane and sits next to him.

"I am surely blessed," the man thinks. "Here I am, a good Catholic, on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me."

The plane takes off, and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. 

"Marvellous." he thinks, "Not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords too." Maybe he will ask for help.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking.

The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to others on flights but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything, Your Eminence. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?" 

Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Moth Exterminator

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

The Irish Love Their Beer

 

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. 

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. 

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Which Hole?

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Finger Licking Good

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

Blind Man

On a hot summer day, two nuns - both young, blonde and beautiful ¡ª are working in the church library putting away books. 

After working feverishly to get the job done, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I can't take this heat anymore! Do you think it would be all right if we removed our shirts to cool off while we worked?"

The second nun, feeling the heat herself, decides that it would be acceptable since no one else was present. She locked the door and closed the curtains, and then the two nuns removed their shirts and kept working. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" asks the first nun.

"It's the blind man," says the voice behind the door. 

"Well, a blind man can't see our nakedness. We can let him in," the other nun says, and opens the door. 

"Wow!" says the blind man, "Nice tits! I gotta run back to the truck. Where do you want me to instal these blinds?"