The Power of Prayer

A preacher in Australia said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." 

 

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

 

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." 

 

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.

 

He prayed to the Almighty for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

 

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week at Dubbo court."

 

 

Psychologist vs Lawyer

 

 

A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice:
“I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice:
"$500 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty."

 

 

The Knothole

 

 

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'  So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

 

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Not everybody pays."

British Wit

Those who know of Sir Thomas Beecham, the legendary conductor who founded the famous symphonic orchestras the London Philharmonic and the Royal Philharmonic will know of his, often acerbic, wit.

Once during an orchestral rehearsal he admonished the young cellist:

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it!"

Now that is British wit, wot!?

Lost of Interest in Sex

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex with her.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight...”

 

 

 

Liquor Licence 

  

 

A blonde orders a beer. 

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...

 

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. 

 

 

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

 

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts

to lick her breasts and she decks him! 

 

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...

Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

The 7 Habits of Men and Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy. 

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women. 

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them. 

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around. 

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women were to leave them. 

7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.


Women: 

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security. 

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes. 

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear. 

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully. 

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag". 

6.Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them. 

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you. 

Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem The author of this memo was quite genuine.

The engineers rolled on the floor!

Especially note the last couple of sentences.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

-Author Unknown-

Can and Cannot


 An elderly man was walking past a brothel when one of the prostitutes calls out: "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try it?"

 The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!"

The prostitute insists: "Cheer up and let us try!!"

The elderly man enters the brothel, goes up to one of the rooms with her & performs like a 25-year old.

The prostitute says breathlessly: "Oh Gosh! And you said you cannot!!"

The old man replies: "Aaah, I can always have sex.....but I CANNOT pay!!"

My Wife Won't Like It!

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a beautiful golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa,

rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,

"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,

And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!??? Elizabeth said with a smile ,

she won't know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

The Rat

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The male rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then the professor kept a piece of cake on the side,

and kept a female rat on the other side.

 

The male rat went towards the cake and ate it.

Then the professor changed the cake,
and kept some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

 

This experience went on with the professor

changing the food every time..

 

And each time,

the male rat ran towards the food item

and never towards the female rat.

 

The professor said:

"This experiment shows that food is the

greatest strength and attraction."

 

Then one student from the back rows said:

"Sir, why don't you change the female rat?

She may be his wife!"

 

 

A Pakistani with Aids

A Pakistani resident in the US phoned his burqa-clad Mom in Pakistan.

Khan: "Ammi, I have a big problem; I got AIDS. What shall I do? Will I
come back home, to our native village?

Mom: Son, don't do that; don't come here!

Khan: Why Ammi?

Mom: If you come here, your darling wife will catch AIDS. And from
your wife, it'll spread to your brother,
And from your brother to the maid,
And from the maid to your Dad,
From Dad to my sister (your aunt),
And from your aunt to her hubby,
And from her hubby to ME,
And from me to our chauffeur,
And from the chauffeur to your sis,
And if your sis catches AIDS, the whole damn village will catch AIDS!
It won't be very long before village after village, and then whole
country goes down with aids!

For the sake of the Kaid-e-Azam, you HAVE GOT to save Pakistan!

Do not come back, my beloved son!!!

Cleaning the Chimney

A father went to the hospital
as his wife was having a baby.

 

Upon arriving he sits down, and the
nurse says, "Congratulations, your
wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys." 

The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm
not surprised, I have a penis the size of
a chimney." 

The nurse replies, "You might want
to consider getting it cleaned, the
babies are black."

 

 

 Singapore Airlines,............ Ooh Dear,.... dear me!

An intelligent response.......  A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.  The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'   The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.  So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, ' If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes ?'  The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that ?'  The little boy admitted that she did.  'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you !'

In the Wind...

A crusty old bikie was out on a long ride through the outback. 

He pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. 
As he passes through the doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00 
MEAT PIE: $2.10 
SNAG ROLL: $2.00 
HAMBURGER: $2.25 
STEAK SANGA $2.50
CHEESEBURGER: $2.75 
CHICKEN SANGA : $3.50 

HAND JOB: $50.00

The old bikie walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive sheila who is serving beers to a couple of sun-wrinkled old farmers. 

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 

"May I help you?" 

The old bikie leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, 

"are you the only one around here who gives the hand jobs?" 
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs,

"Why yes, sure I am, I do everything around here."

The old bikie leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, 

"Well, go and wash your hands real bloody good then, cause I want a cheeseburger."