A Canadian Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and 
orders a white wine......

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar 
look up, expecting to see some pitiful 
Yankee from the north.


The bartender says, "You ain't from around 
here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in 
 Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist....."


The bartender says, "A what? A taxidermist? 
What in tarnation is a taxidermist? 

Do you drive a taxi?"  
        

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. 

I mount animals...."

The bartender grins and hollers, 
"It's okay boys. He's one of us....."

Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic 
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, 
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh 
rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, 

and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs 
frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more. 

 

Bill and Hillary Clinton

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I 
am putting a box under our bed. You must promise 
never to look in it."

 In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never 
looked. 

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, 
curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid 
and peeked inside.

 In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and 
$1,874.25 in cash. 

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt 
and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all 
these years I kept my promise and never looked in 
the box under our bed. However, today the 
temptation was too much and I gave in. 
But now I need to know why do you keep the

empty cans in the box?"

 Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after 
all these years you deserve to know the truth. 
Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty 
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself 
not to do it again."

 Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very 
disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all 
those years away from home on the road,

temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times 
is not that bad considering the number of years 
we've been together."

 They hugged and made their peace.

 A little while later, Hillary asked Bill - 
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"

 Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled 
up with empty cans....

I took them to the recycling center and redeemed 
them for cash!"

Sick Sunday

 

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill. 

"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl. 

"No." replied Mom. 

"I think I'm gonna throw up." 

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." 

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat. 

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom. 

"Yes." 

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?" 

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'For the Sick'."

Married Life

Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? 

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. 

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. 

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

It Will Never Fit

 

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. 

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" 

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............ 

DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES? 

Potato Pick Up

 

Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him. 

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll have all the babes you want!" 

The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and ...for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?" 

"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "you were supposed to put the potato down the front of the Speedos!" 

Fifty Dollars On Pillow

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. 

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." 

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough." 

The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!" 

Blonde Roller-Skater

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. 

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. 

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. 

Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears... 

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..." 

Alcohol is Bad for my Legs

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches 
a French woman sitting by herself and asks, 

"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," the woman replies, "alcohol is 
bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread apart !! ....."

Yes, make up your mind for goodness sake!!!

 

 

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started

to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on,
eat it all up or ... I'll have

to give it to this nice man here."

  Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said,

"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."

  A few minutes later, the anxious man

blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Doctor's Change of Plans

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.

The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed.The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

Raining in New York City

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City .
 
It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
 
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
 
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
 
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
 
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
 
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
 
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
 
"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.

Personal Photograph

A man living in a nudist camp gets a letter from his mother requesting that he send her a photo of himself.

Unfortunately, the only pictures he has are ones in which he is wearing no clothes.

So he cuts a snapshot in half, and then sends the photo showing him from the waist up to his mother.

His mother is so pleased with the picture that she asks him to send one to his grandmother.

The man thinks to himself, “Grandma’s eyesight is so bad these days; I’ll send her the bottom half.”

A week later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

In the letter she writes, “I liked your picture, but your new hairstyle makes your nose look too long.”