Two Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.  The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.  Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, "Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home."

The Blond Mortician

 
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
 To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Tough Question

When my wife asked me,

 "How many women have you slept with?"

 
I proudly replied,

"Only  you, Darling.   With all the others, I was awake."

 Hospital  Visiting  Hours are  

10  AM to 8  PM
 

Do You Know Me?

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Picture Worth Half a Million Bucks

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.

His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."

The Irish and Their Beer

 

 

Two Irish, Martin and O'Brien, were adrift in a lifeboat. 

 

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Martin stumbled across an old lamp. 

 

He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.  This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.   

 

Martin immediately blurted out, 'Turn the entire ocean into Murphy's beer.'   

 

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into Murphy's beer and the genie vanished.   

 

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.   

 

O'Brien looked disgustedly at Martin whose wish had been granted.   

 

After a long, tension-filled moment O'Brien said, 'Nice going Martin! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.'

 

 

How did your son fare?

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,

reunited at a party...  

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. 

Those who remained talked about their kids. 

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of 
the barrel.

 

  He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon 
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the 
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his 
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' 
 

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my 
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went 
to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he 
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his 
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the 
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his 
own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his 
best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel 
for the successes of our sons...
What about your son?' 


The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living 
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

  The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a 
disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son 
and I love him.  

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks 
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, 

a brand new jet and a

top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Late Night

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"

Grief and Suffering

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Police Stop at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped  by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of  night.

The man replies,  "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the  human body, as well as smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving  that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "That would be my  wife."

Fondling in Bed

Beach Balls

Increasing the Levels of Stress

You pick up a hitchhiker...   A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful. But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & Congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful! You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

Newlyweds

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband.

"My testicles are turning blue."

 "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"

Walking Eagle

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly..

Explain that...

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." 

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." 

"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. 

The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" 

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." 

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. 

"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

Truck Black Boxes

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"