Rye Bread

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

John the Baptist

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"

The Dog and its Master

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid b***h was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not s**t in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

An uplifting Story


   
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

  He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

  One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

  He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

  He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

  He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

  He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.

  There goes a man with no arms skipping down the side walk so happy, and going on with his life.

  He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.

  He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

  He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

  The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

  He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

  Heart warming stories like this just makes my day.

Lion Tamer

Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that." 

I no come work today!!!

I no come work today!!!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........by the way,you got really a nice house!!!'

Chinese quality

Chinese quality 

 

A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the 
child passed away.

At the funeral house a family member of the African woman kept sobbing and 
crying and kept saying, "I JUST KNEW IT!!"

So a family elder pulled her aside and discreetly asked her, 'What is it that you 
know?'

She replied, 'Chinese products don't last long!!!!